Parenting is one of the most profound, yet challenging, journeys we embark upon. At the heart of it lies a deeply scientific yet deeply human truth—our children’s ability to regulate their emotions is profoundly shaped by our own regulation. When we understand how the nervous system works, we can shift from reacting in the heat of the moment to responding with presence, guiding our children through big emotions with steadiness and connection.
Understanding Emotional Regulation Through Neuroscience
The Upstairs Brain & Downstairs Brain: Why Kids (and Adolescents) Struggle to “Think” When Upset
Dr. Daniel Siegel describes the brain as having two key regions when it comes to emotional regulation:
The Upstairs Brain (prefrontal cortex): The center of logic, problem-solving, and empathy. It helps us think through situations and respond wisely—but it doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s!
The Downstairs Brain (amygdala & limbic system): The primal part of the brain, responsible for survival instincts like fight, flight, or freeze. When overwhelmed, the downstairs brain takes over, and reasoning goes offline.
What this means for parenting:
A toddler throwing a tantrum isn’t being “difficult”—they are stuck in their downstairs brain and need co-regulation.
An adolescent snapping back isn’t always being defiant—their brain is still developing emotional control, and their amygdala (emotion center) is extra reactive during adolescence (Blame My Brain by Nicola Morgan explains this beautifully!).
When we meet a child’s emotional intensity with our own, we reinforce their dysregulation. When we respond with calm, we help guide them back toward balance.
The Window of Tolerance: Why Kids “Lose It” & How to Help Them Find Calm
Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the Window of Tolerance is the optimal emotional state where a person can handle stress and stay present. When overwhelmed, kids may:
Go into hyperarousal (big reactions, anger, anxiety, meltdowns, resistance).
Drop into hypoarousal (shutting down, withdrawing, appearing numb or spaced out).
Supporting different ages:
For younger kids: Use gentle touch, rhythmic breathing, or a simple grounding phrase: “I’m here. Breathe with me.”
For adolescents: They often resist direct soothing. Try indirect co-regulation: “I’m going for a walk—want to come?” or “It’s okay to be upset. I’m here when you want to talk.”
Heart Coherence: Why Our Calm is Contagious
Heart-focused breathing, as studied by HeartMath, helps synchronize the heart, brain, and body. This increases heart rate variability (HRV), a marker of emotional resilience.
Practice:
Breathe slowly and deeply.
Imagine your breath flowing in and out of your heart.
Think of a calming or loving memory.
Why it matters:
Kids mirror our emotional state. If we are anxious or reactive, their nervous system picks up on it.
Practicing heart-focused breathing can help us become an anchor of calm in the storm.
The Principle of Pause: A Game-Changer in Parenting
When emotions run high, our instinct may be to correct or control the situation. But one of the most powerful tools we have is the pause—a brief moment to regulate ourselves before responding.
Why pause?
It activates the upstairs brain, preventing reactive parenting.
It helps us co-regulate rather than escalate.
It models self-awareness and emotional mastery for our children.
Personal Example: How Humming Became My Pause
I’ve found that when I feel stress rising in response to my child’s emotions, my pause sometimes looks like taking a deep breath and humming a soothing chant to myself. Humming, as research suggests, activates the vagus nerve, helping shift my nervous system into a state of regulation. Rather than reacting or rushing to fix my child’s feelings, I use this simple practice to steady myself first. More often than not, this small shift allows me to give him space to be where he’s at while also providing the grounded presence he needs to find his way back to calm. In those moments, I notice how humming not only soothes my own tension but also subtly invites a sense of safety and connection—sometimes even curiosity—from my child.
Neuroscience supports this. Humming activates the parasympathetic nervous system—the body's natural relaxation response—helping to regulate not just our own emotions but also the energy we share with those around us. Studies suggest it can increase oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and enhance brain coherence, fostering openness, curiosity, and emotional resilience. When I hum, I’m not just calming myself—I’m creating a ripple of regulation that my child unconsciously attunes to.
Simple Breath Practices to Regain Center
Heart-Focused Breathing (for parents & kids of all ages):
Hand on heart, slow breathing, focus on a soothing thought.
Box Breathing (for adolescents & adults):
Inhale 4 seconds → Hold 4 seconds → Exhale 4 seconds → Hold 4 seconds.
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Practice (for moments of overwhelm):
Name 5 things you can see.
Notice 4 things you can touch.
Listen for 3 sounds around you.
Identify 2 scents you can smell.
Acknowledge 1 thing you can taste or are grateful for.
Humming for Regulation (for parents & children of all ages):
Take a deep breath and hum on the exhale.
Feel the vibration in your chest, face, or throat.
Try a simple melody or a steady monotone hum.
Notice how it soothes your nervous system and invites calm.
Bringing It All Together: The Power of Presence in Parenting
Parenting isn’t about never getting frustrated or always having the perfect response. It’s about developing awareness, practicing regulation, and showing up with presence—even when things don’t go smoothly.
If this resonates, I invite you to continue this journey with us in our next Parenting with Presence class, where we’ll go deeper into:
Practical tools for staying steady in tricky moments
Repairing connection after disconnection
The role of play in co-regulation
Live group coaching & real-life examples
📅 Date & Time: Tuesday 25th February, 3-5pm GMT
📍 Location: Online via Zoom
💡 Register here: [RSVP]
Whether you joined the first class or are stepping in for the first time, you’re warmly welcome. If you know a fellow parent who might benefit from this, feel free to share!
Let’s keep growing together. 💛
With warmth,
Fayenen
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