Parenting is an unfolding relationship, a dance between guidance and connection. One of the most powerful principles we can embody in this journey is Connect and Then Redirect—a framework developed by Daniel Siegel that emphasizes the importance of guiding children (and ourselves) with empathy, presence, and clarity. This approach shifts us from reaction to response, from control to collaboration, and from disconnection to deep attunement.
At its core, this principle recognizes that when a child (or any human) is emotionally dysregulated, learning and behavior shifts cannot happen until they feel seen, safe, and understood. Connection lays the foundation, and only from that place can we guide a child toward better choices, problem-solving, or redirection.
Step One: Connection as the Foundation
Connection is the bridge that allows for effective redirection. Without it, guidance can feel like control, correction, or dismissal. When we take the time to connect first, we create a space of emotional safety where the nervous system can regulate, making openness and learning possible.
The Neuroscience of Connection
When a child is upset, their downstairs brain (limbic system and brainstem) takes charge, often triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses. The upstairs brain (prefrontal cortex)—where reasoning, problem-solving, and impulse control reside—goes offline in these moments. Connection helps bring the upstairs brain back online. It soothes the nervous system, signals safety, and allows the child to shift from survival mode into a place of receptivity and openness.
How to Connect First
Pause and Regulate Yourself: Before responding, take a breath. If you are triggered, your own nervous system might be mirroring your child’s. Connecting with yourself first allows you to hold a steadier presence.
Attune to the Child’s Experience: Observe their emotions, body language, and needs. Are they overwhelmed, frustrated, sad? What’s beneath the behavior?
Use Empathy and Validation: Reflect what they are feeling: “That was really frustrating for you,” or “I see that you’re feeling really upset right now.”
Offer Physical Connection (if welcome): A gentle hand on the shoulder, sitting beside them, or an open posture can signal safety and care.
Slow Down: Connection doesn’t happen in haste. Slowing your tone and softening your presence invites trust.
When a child feels seen, heard, and validated, their system begins to relax. Only then is the moment ripe for the next step: redirection.
Connection Across Different Ages
Toddlers: Connection often requires physical presence. Get down to their level, use a warm tone, and reflect their emotions: “You’re feeling so mad right now! That toy is really important to you.”
Young Children: As they develop language and emotional regulation, connection involves listening, validating their feelings, and showing curiosity: “I hear that you’re frustrated because your tower fell down. That’s really disappointing.”
Adolescents: Connection with teens may look different; they often need respect and emotional availability. Sometimes it’s about listening without fixing: “I can see you’ve had a rough day. Want to talk or just hang out?” This shows them you’re there without imposing.
Regardless of age, connection starts with us—pausing, regulating ourselves, and stepping into presence before responding.
Step Two: Guiding Through Redirection
Once connection is established, we can help a child make sense of their experience and find a path forward. Redirection is not about distraction or simply stopping an unwanted behavior; it’s about guiding toward learning, growth, and problem-solving.
As Siegel explains, “The key is to remain emotionally present while providing guidance. This combination helps children develop emotional intelligence and self-regulation.”
What Effective Redirection Looks Like
Coming from a Place of Calm: When we offer guidance from a connected, attuned space, it lands differently than if it comes from frustration or impatience.
Engaging the Child in Problem-Solving: Instead of simply telling them what not to do, help them explore alternatives: “I see you were feeling really frustrated. What could we do next time instead?”
Teaching Emotional Regulation Skills: Support children in finding tools that help them manage big emotions. Breathing exercises, movement, or sensory grounding can help regulate their system before problem-solving.
Encouraging Reflection: “What was going on for you in that moment?” or “What do you think might have helped?” builds awareness and emotional intelligence.
Offering Alternatives Instead of Just Saying No: Instead of “Don’t throw that!” try “I see you need to get your energy out—let’s find something safe to throw.”
Redirection Across Different Ages
Toddlers: Redirection is often physical. Offer an alternative activity or change the environment: “Let’s throw the ball outside instead.” This helps them channel their energy positively and provides a clear, simple solution to their frustration.
Young Children: Redirection can include collaborative problem-solving. For example, if a child is upset about a toy being taken away, you might say, “I see you’re upset. What can we do differently next time?” This encourages them to think critically about their actions and fosters emotional intelligence.
Adolescents: Redirection requires respect and autonomy. Instead of dictating what they should do, invite reflection: “I get that you were angry. How do you think that worked out? What might you try next time?” This approach empowers them to take ownership of their choices and learn from their experiences.
Boundaries: The Bridge Between Connection and Redirection
A common misconception is that connection means permissiveness. But true connection allows for clear, firm boundaries—delivered with empathy and respect. One way to do this is through I-statements, which model healthy communication and reinforce safety.
Toddlers: “I see that you’re really upset, and I don’t want to be shouted at. Let’s take a moment to breathe.”
Young Children: “I know you want to keep playing, and I need us to leave now.”
Adolescents: “I hear that you’re mad, and I don't want to be shouted at. Let’s find another way to express this.”
A Universal Principle for All Relationships
The beauty of Connect and Then Redirect is that it applies not just to children, but to all relationships—including how we relate to ourselves. We can practice this principle in our own moments of emotional overwhelm. Instead of shutting down or forcing ourselves into immediate change, we can first connect with what we’re feeling, offering self-compassion before finding a way forward.
As Siegel reminds us: “When we attune to others, we allow them to ‘feel felt,’ which helps them regulate their emotions and develop resilience.” This principle also applies in adult relationships—when we approach conversations with connection first, redirection becomes an act of guidance rather than control.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is not about perfection, but about presence. Connect and Then Redirect is an invitation to slow down, see our children (and ourselves) fully, and guide from a place of warmth and wisdom rather than reactivity. When we prioritize connection, redirection naturally becomes an act of love, and parenting transforms into an opportunity for deeper relationships and lifelong learning.
How does this principle show up in your parenting journey? I’d love to hear your reflections!
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